"The Lost Art of the Thank You Note"

All etiquette experts agree on one thing: handwritten thank you notes are brilliant, elegant, and absolutely necessary. Yes, email and texts have eclipsed letters and telephone calls in our global economy. The world has moved on, and email thank you notes are appropriate for many occasions. However, if you receive a summer or any gift from a family member, friend, business associate, client, or colleague, business and social etiquette require a handwritten note.

So what makes a memorable note? Today I received a timely handwritten thank you note from a couple after we hosted a spring dinner party. My eyes were naturally drawn to the handwriting because it stood out in the mass of pre-printed envelopes. This envelope had lots of texture, with the return address imprinted on the envelope flap, and the thoughtful note inside was written on custom stationery:

1. Send Thanks for a Gift or Gesture: A note should be sent when someone does something special or goes out of their way for you. The note can be as short as three sentences and should be sent when someone:

• Hosts a summer BBQ, July 4th party, dinner, shower, or soiree in your honor
• Invites you to a summer concert, jazz on the lawn, fireworks, pool party
• Invites you for a stay in their home, beach or lake house, ranch, or yacht
• Sends you a special delivery of cake balls, flowers, or Korean pears
• Gives you a gift for a holiday, birthday, bar mitzvah, wedding, or baby shower
• Writes a business recommendation or reference
• Refers a client or business

2. Be Short, Sweet & Specific: Use the following formula: Specifically mention the invitation or gift received, the introduction, the gracious act, how they positively impacted you or your business, your future plan, and repeat your appreciation. The note can be short and sweet. ‘Thank you so much for inviting me to your 4th of July celebration’ ‘I am so appreciative of your hospitality, you have a beautiful lake house. ’ Be sure to mention why you like the gift: ‘We all had a blast, the BBQ was delicious. ’ State your future plans: ‘and it was exactly what I needed to get my mind off work. ’

4. Sign with a Flourish & Mail: It all depends how informal and to whom you are addressing the note to, but sign with action words like ‘Sincerely’ or ‘Kindest regards,’ which are formal and standard in international circles. Domestically, closing with an informal ‘All my best’ or ‘Best regards’ is common, while ‘Best’ is passé. Mail the note within 24-48 hours.

5. Long distance thank you note: With summer right around the corner, traveling (domestic or internationally) for the holidays and visiting friends and family is pretty much a set plan. If you paid your friend or family member a visit, sending a Thank you handwritten note is the least you can do. However, can we update analog etiquette rules for digital relationships? I am frequently asked, “Can I skip the handwritten note and just send an email or a simple text?”

Peter Post, the Chairman of the Board of the Emily Post Institute and author of Essential Manners for Men , and I chatted about this quandary. Peter advises, “Don’t presume an email was successfully received; it may have been blocked by a spam filter or firewall, or end up in someone’s trash folder.”

Think of handwritten notes as an opportunity to build the relationship, not an obligation, People open handwritten notes before other mail to save and display them. Digital communication gets deleted and handwritten gets saved. Would you rather be remembered or deleted? In the day of insta-everything, it’s okay to thank twice.